feature article : A Road Worth Traveling /

Eight-year-old Sarabeth stands on a stool in the bathroom and frowns while her mother Lynn dries her fine black hair with a blow dryer. Her rich caramel skin has been tanned by summer sun, and her dark almond-shaped eyes cast an impatient glare. Meanwhile, Sarabethís other mother tends to her little brother. Alex is a squirmy 5-year-old sprawled upside down on Mommy Ginaís lap. He plays a favorite game where he sticks his feet near Ginaís nose, grins, and wants her to smell. Itís a typical summer day in the Barnett household where these two parents prepare their children for an afternoon of day camp. As a lesbian couple and mothers of two adopted kids, itís been a long, worthwhile road to achieve balance between their adult relationship, family and work.

Gay and lesbian couples have several options when they consider having children including artificial insemination, surrogate childbirth and adoption. Lynn and Gina chose the path of adoption after careful consideration and years of personal growth. They first met at a womenís support group 17 years ago, started dating after six months, moved in together, and have grown as a couple ever since. Gina, the oldest of six children, had no interest in raising children initially.

"I had been a child parent to my siblings. I didn't want to be a parent any longer," Gina said.

In contrast, Lynn dreamed of having children since she was a little girl. This situation is common in gay couples where one partner desires children and must convince the other to have them. Lynn had married twice and miscarried early in the pregnancy during each relationship. Although Lynnís body was not physically able to bear children safely, she still carried a strong desire to parent. Out of respect for Ginaís wishes, Lynn took therapy to deal with being a childless mother and struggled with the decision. She had grown to accept her role over the years and focused less on raising a child.

Then, Gina suffered a stroke in 1995 and became wheelchair bound for eight months. Lynn worked as the primary breadwinner, taking care of Gina and the household. Gina spent many hours re-evaluating her life during her recovery and reached a critical decision a year after her stroke.

"I figured out that I wanted kids. I felt like I didnít have anything to pass on and felt mortal," said Gina.

She wondered what kind of parent she would be and wanted to have a child after all. Gina expressed her newfound wish to her partner.

"Lynn exploded with enthusiasm. She had come to terms with the fact that she wasnít going to be a parent. Months later, I had decided that I wanted to be a parent and have our child," said Gina.

Navigating the Path to China

Despite her joy, Lynn held reservations about Gina bearing a child given her recent medical condition. Since pregnancy was not a safe, viable option for either woman, they thought about adopting and spent ample time evaluating area resources. They examined foster care, Catholic adoption services and other social agencies. The couple learned that black children were readily available for adoption. However, the attitude among social workers at the time discouraged placing black children in white households. Then they hit upon the prospect of adopting internationally where scores of children also needed parents.

"We thought, 'What about China?' We learned that we could have our adoption finalized in China. The American government would recognize the legal status of another countryís adoption. We felt safe that the U.S. government wouldnít try to overturn the adoption," explained Gina.

These legal conditions became important to the lesbian couple. Gay and lesbian couples, as well as individuals, have several options available to adopt both domestically and internationally. The circumstances can be tricky to maneuver depending on the social worker and agency involved. Some state agencies, such as Missouri, donít oppose domestic adoption by gay couples, depending on the social worker involved. Kansas looks for gay families to adopt gay/lesbian-identified kids. China, Brazil, and Guatemala represent countries where gay couples can successfully adopt if they donít disclose their sexual orientation.

"China is popular because they have cute kids and plenty of girls are available," said Lynn.

After much soul searching, Lynn and Gina decided to try adopting an Asian child and contacted a conservative, religious-based St. Louis adoption agency. Lynn, presenting herself as single and straight, took the lead as the person who wanted to legally adopt. Gina played the role of her single roommate with no mention of their long-term relationship together.

Such non-disclosure is commonplace when dealing with adoption agencies that are reluctant to knowingly place children in gay or lesbian households. Several countries require parents to be part of a married couple to adopt and request a letter confirming their heterosexuality. Single females can readily adopt if thereís no mention of being gay and the other standard criteria are met. A gay couple must decide whether they will disclose their sexual orientation to improve their chances. Single straight or gay men have the most challenging circumstances for adoption because of concerns over child exploitation.

Surrounding these distinctions, several myths and stereotypes lend stigma to the idea of adoption or foster care by gay couples. The eventual objection often falls on political, moral or cultural grounds. (See http://archive.aclu.org/issues/gay/parent.html for more information.) Despite this, some social workers who oversee adoptions are more sympathetic and discreet about downplaying this distinction.

A social worker conducts an extensive home study of two to three visits in each adoption case to evaluate the prospective parentís financial, medical, psychological and legal history. The cost of a home study can range from $800-1500 (an average being $1200) and might take anywhere from several weeks to six months. A home study conducted by a state agency is free. Household and familial arrangements undergo study as well, ensuring that children are placed in homes under conditions suitable for all parties involved.

Thus, the decision to disclose whether or not an individual or couple is homosexual is unavoidable. For practical purposes of adoption, the answer should be decided on personal grounds rather than political beliefs during the process.

Lynn and Gina found that it is easier to work within the system to adopt based on their experiences. Word-of-mouth and recommendations from gay couples who have adopted can prove invaluable in determining which social workers, agencies, and professionals will be most helpful in the process. Subsequently, the couple has launched their own adoption resource service as an information clearinghouse. Both women have a Masterís degree in psychology and extensive experience in adoption services. (See sidebar for additional resources.)

"Pick the agency first, preferably one out of town. Then pick a social worker yourself by networking through local couples. If an agency has its own social worker, then the question of how to present yourself arises," advised Lynn.

Ultimately, a social worker wrote a home study based on Lynn as the single parent with little mention of Gina. The decision for Lynn to pursue legal parent status rested on the fact that her health condition was more stable. Her ability to provide financially as a parent was less questionable on the surface. These issues of whether to disclose relationships and who will assume legal status require deep consideration. The ramifications spill into every aspect of life before, during, and after adoption.

"Imagine how it feels to be gay and have to lie to adopt. Or how it feels to be a partner who could not be an active part of the process?" Lynn said.

"I knew that the adoption wouldnít happen if I said anything. If approached about my relationship, I would misinform in order to not jeopardize the adoption,î said Gina. She did not like the subterfuge and felt frustration. Still Gina chose to portray herself as a straight roommate for the greater goal. Once the home study and preliminary arrangements were complete, the couple waited until they received a call from the agency. They preferred adopting a child no more than six months old so they could minimize the babyís abandonment issues with native parents. The entire adoption process can take anywhere from six months to three years depending on the agency and country of origin. When Gina and Lynn received the momentous call, a 17-month-old girl was available in East Central China.

"We chose to adopt her. We didnít want to wait and let the Chinese agency decide who our child would be,î said Gina.

Soon Lynn and her "roommateî headed to China in May 1997 along with four other couples who were adopting. The other three were married and the fourth was a mother and daughter duo traveling together. Gina indicates that everyone suspected they were lesbians, but never inquired.

"We werenít about to say anything if no one asked. We had put too much time, heart, and money into it,î Gina said.

Bonding for Life

The eventual meeting between a young Chinese girl (now named Sarabeth), her parent Lynn, and "roommate" Gina took place in Wuhan, China. The three-day visit led to many emotional highs and lows. While Lynn bonded with her daughter on the first day after adoption, Gina stood by faithfully as a self-described packhorse. Ironically, Ginaís decision to have children had led to this moment halfway around the world. Yet she watched while her partner carried Sarabeth around.

"I had explosive parental feelings. I wanted this connection and wanted to be a provider. When the child was placed in Lynnís arms, I started sobbing out of happiness. I was so proud of us for doing this. Only when we were behind closed doors did I hold her," Gina admitted.

Then Lynn became sick the day after getting Sarabeth from the adoption agency and remained bedridden for several days. A natural opportunity arose for Gina to bond with her daughter and interact with the other couples staying at the hotel with their adopted children. Soon the long journey home came and the three settled into a wholly different life back in Kansas City.

"Sarabeth bonded with Lynn initially. I was ancillary and struggled with that. I stayed at home for 18 months being a parent and studied for my Masterís degree while Lynn was the breadwinner. Sarabeth would forget me when Lynn got home from work. Whenever Lynn was around, I vaporized,î said Gina.

Primary bonding to one parent typically occurs in adopted children. Only months or even years later does the child grow emotionally as they learn how to accept both people equally as loving, care-giving parents. Sarabeth took four years before she fully accepted Ginaís role as a parent. The first two years as a couple were quite difficult for the Barnetts as they discovered parenthood and balanced their personal relationship. Frustrations, disagreements, and even arguments arose as they overcame their learning curve.

"Lynn explained how necessary it was for Sarabeth to bond. I wanted to be a parent too. We spent a lot of time talking it out. We also had to merge parenting styles and learn to parent as a couple,î said Gina.

Lynn parented as a disciplinarian while Gina tended to be more permissive. Both women have had to cope with reporting versus consulting conflicts in their decision-making. Sometimes one parent mulls an issue, decides on a solution, and then reports it to the other without consultation.

"It can become an issue when one person is the legal parent who assumes decision-making unfairly,î said Lynn.

"We fight, we resolve, we struggle on sensitivities. We catch ourselves making executive decisions and arenít always sensitive,î said Gina.

The mothers have learned that they can disagree on an issue, but show a solid front when declaring a decision to the kids. Lynn points out that research shows when the parentís roles are clear, the kids are less confused. They also feel itís important to show how to resolve differences and focus on having healthy relationships with a spouse.
As Sarabeth grew older, she became more independent and willing to approach either parent with questions or needs. Naturally, Sarabeth began using the age-old tactic of shopping answers between parents to see who would give the answer she wanted. Itís merely one trick of the parenting game that Gina and Lynn had learned to manage in their life as a family.

Since the adoption of Sarabeth, the Barnetts have also adopted Alex who has bonded closely with Gina. Alex, a young Cambodian boy, plays actively with his older sister and often breaks into a wide grin. His missing front teeth and mischievous eyes only add to his charm.

Lynn and Gina have developed an extensive network of family and friends to support their family emotionally and socially. They appointed two godfathers and two godmothers for their children. Godfathers meet with the family for weekly dinners and provide a male role model. They take part in events like father/daughter dances. The godmothers live in St. Louis and nurture the relationships through greeting cards and a holiday visit each Christmas. Both Lynnís mother and Ginaís numerous siblings and extended family have become involved with the rich social network.

Family Issues

Sarabeth and Alex refer to their parents as Mommy Gina and Mommy Lynn, or simply mommy when no distinction is needed. While the kids know that their parents are gay, the two women have not mentioned that Lynn is their legal parent and donít want to make a point of it currently. They realize that disclosing the information is important. "We havenít purposely kept it a secret. The kids arenít at the age yet where they are ready to process the information and cope with it emotionally,î said Gina.

Another parental identity issue arose unexpectedly when Sarabeth raised the issue. The young girl learned about marriage through a schoolteacher and became curious why her mothers werenít married. The two women realized that they needed to address the concern after Sarabeth had gone to the extraordinary length of talking to a rabbi at their temple about arranging the marriage of her parents. Lynn and Gina dreamed up a family commitment ceremony that included customs, attire, and symbols such as necklaces they designed that were drawn from the childrenís Asian culture. The event drew the four family members closer together as a unit.

"We discussed the issue and understood it wasnít about us as a couple. We figured out it was what Sarabeth needed. She needed to know that her family was stable and forever," explained Gina.

"Adopted children come into a home with personalities and quirks. You donít always become a happy family right away. Itís a myth. It takes work and dedication whether youíre straight or gay," said Lynn.

Familial issues are not the only obstacles to overcome for adoptive parents. Because Lynn remains the sole parent with legal status, a host of issues concerning legal custody, medical, dental, financial, and estate decisions have to be resolved for the sake of the childrenís future. Since same-sex marriage is not legally recognized in the state, domestic partner status can also affect decisions on workplace benefits and taxes.

For example, the children donít have access to Ginaís Social Security benefits if she dies. Ginaís workplace does allow for health benefits to domestic partners and children, but only on a post-tax basis. She doesnít get the value of deducting money for medical expenses before taxes as a straight married couple would.

Technically, Gina cannot consent to medical treatment for her children since she is not the legal parent. She has changed her last name to Barnett to match the names of Lynn and the children, so consent becomes less of an issue at the doctor or school office. "If thereís no question raised, then itís not an issue,î said Gina firmly.

To further empower Gina legally, Lynn had a power of attorney document created that gives Gina the same parental rights. Essentially, Gina has Lynnís permission to get her kids medical treatment, but the power officially goes through Lynn. Both women understand that itís a working solution within an imperfect system.

Some problems like filing taxes jointly cannot be overcome at present. Only Lynn can claim tax deductions for the house, medical costs, etc. even though Gina contributes finances toward these family expenses. In the unlikely event that the domestic partnership severs, Gina would have no legal rights of custody or visitation. If Lynn died, her family would have next-of-kin status to determine custody and inheritance on behalf of the kids. Gina would have no legal ground to stand on in the matter. Preparing a last will and testament can help clarify matters, but the ruling of a court judge still comes into play. At the end of the day, Lynn and Gina see themselves and their children as a family, just like their neighbors or co-workers. They deal with the small problems and everyday emergencies tooññstuff like broken glasses or Sarabethís broken foot, driving the kids to soccer practice or the carnival or day camp. When people see these women at work, at the temple, or at school, perhaps they simply see two parents.

"If people see how we parent, then they can see how similar we are to them. Weíre parenting in the context of our childrenís lives. The gay community is raising childrenÖthey are parents trying to raise children,î said Lynn.

From Couple to Family

All of these important issues merit plenty of discussion to identify how they will be handled between partners throughout the adoption process. Licensed psychotherapist Brian Heydon has counseled gay and lesbian couples that have adopted children. He advises that gay couples considering adoption need to expand the definition of their relationship. The prospect of adoption should prompt each partner to examine his or her intentions for bringing a child into the home. Just as important, the couple should re-examine the basis of their relationship as a foundation for a family.

"It seems that if a gay couple has adopted successfully, itís because they became confident and comfortable in their relationship with each other. This defined who they are as a couple before they become parents,î said Heydon.

Evaluating the reasons for adoption reveals a greater understanding of the personal dynamics involved before couples start the adoption process.

"Gays who adopt want to have kids like everyone else. They donít let it be a political statement. They want to come home from work and deal with the daily struggle like other parents. Couples need to discern whether they are in it for the right reasons. Itís not about wanting a child to ëcomplete us.í A child needs two complete people who will nurture and care for them,î explained Heydon.

Often one partner desires to parent initially and must persuade the other partner to adopt. Many factors can affect the dynamics between two partners. Adoption may raise issues of permanence or insecurity in a relationship due to the changing roles of a couple. "People become used to introducing themselves as a gay or lesbian couple. Adoption may be a challenge to the coupleís solidarity. Also, when you become a father, it becomes a whole new realm of exposure as a gay father. You may bring up social perceptions of judgement in your new role,î said Heydon.

Gays and lesbians naturally turn to existing role models, such as their parents or straight couples. They wonder whether they can live up to established notions of parenthood or forge their own version based on their ideals, beliefs, and experiences. Vulnerabilities about sexuality can resurrect because a gay personís identity becomes exposed again in a new role that they havenít experienced before firsthand.

Heydon outlines several steps that couples can take to address such concerns.

• Identify any feelings that arise about parenthood, adoption, or the relationship.
• Name those concerns so they are more concrete.
• Examine the issues bravely and honestly.
• Determine what is true and what is imagined. Some perceptions may be fantasy.
• Donít underestimate the support from community of family, friends, work, etc.
• Anticipate the joy of adoption and parenthood.

Parenthood is a natural progression of spreading love from a couple to a family. It also introduces some fundamental household issues. Heydon points out that new parents find thereís less time for romance, sex and grownup leisure activities when a child enters the mix. The division of labor for household chores comes to the forefront as an issue. "Parenthood takes the intense focus off each other as a couple. The couple goes into unknown territory. What do you do? What do I do? Itís important that daily negotiations take place to sort these issues. If it happens, then the relationship is pliable. Thatís when you find out how emotionally developed you are. Parenting demands lots of personal growth. Itís a living, breathing thing that changes with every couple. All relationships are leaps of faith. Thereís no guarantee for any of us,î said Heydon.

He encourages couples to work with each other or even through a third party before starting the adoption process to figure out what sort of parents they want to be. Whether the issues are interpersonal, legal, household or otherwise, an important recommendation is to communicate and deal with each concern together.

One Legal Parent in a Two-Parent Household

Currently, only one adult in a gay or lesbian couple can be assigned legal parent status for adoptions in Missouri and Kansas. The other partner does not share any legal status rights because state law does not recognize same-sex marriage as a legal relationship. As a result, when adopted children are denied a legal relationship to both parents, the children may be denied:

Access to medical, dental or life insurance on the policy of the parent without legal status;

Medical treatment in an emergency (if in the sole physical care of the parent without legal status);

Financial support from or visitation with the parent who has no legal status;

Physical and legal custodial considerations should the legal parent die;

Social Security and other benefits should the parent without legal status die before the child turns 18 years of age;

Inheritance from the estate of the parent without legal status if he or she dies and does not have a Last Will and Testament.

To learn more, check out www.hrc.org or ask your social worker for more details.

Source: Adapted from The State of the Family: Laws and Legislation affecting Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Families. Human Rights Campaign Foundation, 2002.